


The Call Of Nozomu

by KB9VCN



Category: Haiyore! Nyaruko-san, Sayonara Zetsubou-Sensei
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Some Kind Of Unspeakable Bar Thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 13:36:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14498124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Published 30-Apr-2018; crossover/humor/parody?; about 2800 words.For the31_days"even gods have an expiry date" prompt.See alsoThe Call Of Cthulhu... well, not really.  This has even less to do with the Cthulhu Mythos than Nyaruko.This contains semi-graphic cruel slapstick violence, (male) nudity in one scene, kinky adult humor, "Some Kind of Unspeakable Bar Thing," brief fourth-wall breaking in a few places, and no redeeming qualities whatsoever in general.  Reader discretion is advised.





	The Call Of Nozomu

**Author's Note:**

> Published 30-Apr-2018; crossover/humor/parody?; about 2800 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[even gods have an expiry date](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3336873.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also _[The Call Of Cthulhu](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Call_of_Cthulhu)_... well, not really. This has even less to do with the Cthulhu Mythos than Nyaruko.
> 
> This contains semi-graphic cruel slapstick violence, (male) nudity in one scene, kinky adult humor, "Some Kind of Unspeakable Bar Thing," brief fourth-wall breaking in a few places, and no redeeming qualities whatsoever in general. Reader discretion is advised.

Nozomu walked into his classroom and up to his lectern. "Good morning," he said. "...Kafuka? What are you reading?"

"Dunno," Kafuka said as she paged through an ancient leather-bound codex. "But it's really interesting. It's full of symbols and diagrams and stuff."

"Maybe it's a pre-calculus textbook," Kaere said.

"Nah," said Kafuka. "It's not THAT scary."

"Why don't you put it back where you found it?" Nozomu suggested. "It seems to be mostly harmless yet vaguely sinister... just like you."

Completely ignoring him, Kafuka turned a page. "Ooh, this part is almost readable. Hmm... _Trap tsrow eht si siht, trats s'tel t'nod t'nod t'nod._ "

"Maybe you shouldn't read magic spells out loud," Nozomu said as gently as he could, given that he was already starting to panic.

Kafuka continued reading as much as she could. " _Ecneserp citsejam s'rehto hcae fo wolg eht ni deklaw t'nevah llits ew dna dlo gnitteg era i dna gn ana._ "

The book began to glow with an eerie green light— along with Nozomu's body. "I'd consider it a personal favor," Nozomu said, "if you would stop there."

But Kafuka persisted. " _Luos ruoy ni esuohdrib elttil a ekam, uoy revo sehctaw ohw, hctiws thgil eht yb teltuo eht ni yranac eulb!_ "

"You never were one to listen to your _sensei_ , were you," Nozomu said sadly, just before he disappeared in a small flash of light.

"Kafuka!" said Chiri. "What are you doing and STOP IT!!"

Before Kafuka could reply, a cold shadow fell across the classroom, as if something outside had blocked the sunlight. People on the streets near the school began to scream. And then, the entire building shook a few times, as if something very large and very heavy were moving around next to it.

"That can't be good," Nami said nervously.

* _meru meru_ * _THANKS FOR THE UPDATE, GENIUS!!_

"I suggest we vacate the premises immediately," Chiri said, "in order to continue this pointless bickering in a place of relative safety."

—

The girls evacuated the school building and gathered by the front gate— and what they saw took their collective breath away.

Nozomu was standing next to the school building— and towering over it by tens of meters. His eyes were still glowing with the eerie green light, but he was otherwise unchanged in appearance.

"Everybody who now has a growth fetish," Chiri said, "raise your hand."

Almost everybody raised their hand.

"It's not a bad transformation," Abiru said, "but I wish he'd grown a tail while he was at it."

"That's a reasonable request," Chiri agreed.

"I was kinda hoping for tentacles, myself," Harumi said.

The other girls slowly turned towards Harumi, and stared at her in abject horror.

"What!?" Harumi said indignantly. "You started the conversation about fetishes!"

"Setting that aside," Chiri said with a pained expression, "I wonder why his clothing was transformed with him? That's what disappointed ME."

"You were still wearing your clothes after you put on that mask and transformed into a giantess to stop the alien invasion," Kaere pointed out.

"Well, yes," Chiri said, "but I had to stop an alien invasion. I couldn't do that properly if I were naked. And I provided the proper panty shots."

"And he doesn't have to stop an alien invasion," Matoi said. "In fact, he doesn't seem to be doing much of anything. He's just standing there."

"He hasn't changed in that regard either," Chiri noted. "He never actually does anything. Everything happens TO him."

"Oh, he's starting to move," Nami said. "Maybe he's about to say something."

The giant Nozomu suddenly cried out in a booming voice that could be heard for kilometers around. The girls held their hands over their ears and cowered as he spoke:

**"I'M IN DESPAIR!! BECOMING A DARK GOD HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR!!"**

The girls stood back up and uncovered their ears. "He's really hard to please, isn't he?" Kaere noted.

"No kidding," Harumi agreed. "If *I* had just become a dark god, I'd grow some tentacles, and then have some FUN—"

"THANK you," Chiri snapped. "So, what are we going to do NOW? Kafuka, you started this. Do you have any ideas?"

Kafuka had turned away to look at something shiny. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said sweetly. "Did you say something?"

Chiri sighed. "I'll take that as a 'no'. Anybody who knows how to reverse incantations that turn your _sensei_ into a dark god, raise your hand."

This time, no one raised their hand.

"Well, we have to do SOMETHING," Chiri said, "even if he isn't doing anything."

"Actually, I think he IS doing something," Nami said. "Does anyone else feel... bad?"

"It's hard to describe," Chiri said thoughtfully, "but I do feel more irritated than is proper."

"I feel fine!" Kafuka said cheerfully.

"Oh, shut up," Kaere growled. "I feel it too. It's like I'm in an even worse mood than usual."

"I know, right?" Nami said. "It feels like a late Sunday when you haven't finished your homework."

"Or when you haven't finished the one-shot fan-fiction you've had a month to complete," Harumi added.

* _meru meru_ * _IF THE STORY WOULD HAVE HAD TENTACLES, I'M GRATEFUL FOR YOUR LAZINESS!!_

Chiri suddenly went pale. "Oh no. I know what's happening. He's using the powers of a dark god to send EVERYBODY into DESPAIR! If we don't STOP him, the ENTIRE WORLD could be LEFT IN DESPAIR FOREVER!!"

"At least it's not much of a change for us," Kafuka said cheerfully. "We're used to it, since he was our _sensei_."

"You really do need to shut up," Chiri said. "And WE have to STOP a DARK GOD!! SOMEONE— HELP!!"

" _HAAAIIII_!!" someone said with excellent timing.

—

A silver haired girl with a [two-tone](http://2-tone.info/lga/ghosttown_uk_12_front.jpg) scarf and blouse, huge green eyes, and an impossibly long _ahoge_ walked up to the group of girls.

"Who are YOU?" Chiri asked.

"I'm the chaos that always crawls up to you with a smile— NYARLATHOTEP!" Nyaruko struck a fighting pose with a smile and a wink.

"Never heard of her," Kaere said.

"You might have to be more specific," Nami added. "Chaotic cute girls are pretty common around here."

"How did you know we needed help?" Chiri asked.

Nyaruko pointed at her _ahoge_. "I have a built-in 'Malign Deity Radar'," she said proudly.

Chiri raised an eyebrow. "If you're really Nyarlathotep, or some derived version, then you're a malign deity yourself. How can you detect anything else over the 'feedback' of your own presence?"

"Look!" Nyaruko snapped. "Do you want help with the humongous eldritch abomination over there, or do you just want to argue about plot-holes?"

"I want to DEBATE plot-holes because they're IRRITATING!!" Chiri yelled. "And what can you do to help, anyway?"

"This is my usual implement of destruction." Nyaruko reached into her Hammerspace and produced [Some Kind of Unspeakable Bar Thing](https://cdn.4archive.org/img/nSjHuqM.jpg).

Chiri's attitude changed immediately. "I apologize for my skepticism. You're a _yandere_ after my own heart!" She reached into her own Hammerspace and pulled out her favorite [killing spade](https://cdn.anisearch.com/images/anime/screen/4/4976/full/133786.jpg).

"Nice one!" Nyaruko said. "Do you have 'dibs' on scenes of extreme violence in your school?"

"Hardly," Chiri said. "But since you're the 'visiting team', go ahead and take the first 'at-bat'."

"Thanks!" Nyaruko half-ran, half-flew up to Nozomu, raised her SKOUBT, and took a whack at Nozomu's ankle that would have leveled most skyscrapers.

Nothing happened.

"That's strange," Nyaruko said to herself. "[That usually works](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mi_7aGv-p4&t=1m6s)."

Dark-god-Nozomu slowly looked down at her. And then, he raised the foot that Nyaruko had attacked, and held it over her head.

"Oh, NUT BUNNIES," Nyaruko said sadly.

Dark-god-Nozomu brought his foot down on Nyaruko with a horrible crunching sound. The other girls gasped, and several of them clutched at each other in sudden grief.

But when dark-god-Nozomu raised his foot, Nyaruko was still standing— albeit much the worse for wear. "Don't worry!" she said cheerfully. "It'll take more than a little blunt trauma to stop me!—"

And then, dark-god-Nozomu brought his foot down on Nyaruko a few more times. "This is—" * _CRUNCH_ *!! "—indescribably painful," Nyaruko cried between stomps, "but I'm not— * _CRUNCH_ *!! "—done for yet!"

Ignoring her overly-optimistic assessment, dark-god-Nozomu stomped on her one last time, and then put some weight on his foot and rubbed it against the ground, as if he were trying to snuff a match. He took a step back, and then became motionless again, resuming his spreading of despair across the world.

Nyaruko, now deeply embedded in hard-packed earth in the middle of a giant footprint, weakly raised one arm and motioned to Chiri. "Um... could you use your spade to dig me out of here? Most of my bones have been temporarily pulverized."

—

After taking some time to pull herself together— literally— Nyaruko and the girls conferred on what to do next.

"If we can just weaken him, I can undo his transformation with a purification ceremony," Nyaruko said. "But we have to cut him down to size first."

"But your SKOUBT didn't even scratch him," Nami said. "Short of tactical nuclear missiles, what else can we do?"

"Well... there is one other way we could weaken his defenses," Nyaruko said hesitantly. "But it's so ridiculous that it's not even worth mentioning."

"Tell us, please," Chiri said urgently. "You'd be surprised at how many ridiculous things have happened since he became our home-room _sensei_."

"The only way to reach the heart of a newly-transformed dark god of this type... is for thirteen maidens to express their heartfelt love for him."

The other girls stared at Nyaruko... and then, they smiled and giggled.

"Is that ALL?" Kafuka asked. "That's EASY!"

"Are you sure that we need ONLY thirteen?" Chiri said. "We already have more than thirteen here, myself included, and we could probably get a few more on short notice."

"And there's no love more heartfelt than our 'DEEP LOVE'," a creepy Matoi added.

Nyaruko blinked in surprise. "Wait— really? ALL of you love him?"

The other girls smiled and giggled again.

"Well, I'm not one to talk," Nyaruko admitted. "I fell in love at first sight with a boy who, um, does surprisingly painful things to me with [silverware](https://otakurandomness.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/haiyore-nyaruko-san-w-04-large-02.jpg)."

"...eww," said Nami.

* _meru meru_ * _YOU'RE EVEN WEIRDER THAN THESE FREAKS!!_

"Surely that would be grounds for legal action," Kaere said.

"Never mind," Nyaruko said impatiently. "Let's do this before the wave of despair spreads any further. It's already drained MY hyperactive energy levels down to near normal."

"What do we have to do?" Nami asked.

Nyaruko held out her hand. "We simply hold hands, open our hearts, and declare our love for him."

"Wait— YOU love him too?" Chiri said.

"I love everybody," Nyaruko declared. "Well, everybody except creepy Cthughan NEETs... Ready? On the count of three. ONE! TWO! THREE!"

**"WE LOVE YOU _SENSEI_!!"**

Dark-god-Nozomu looked down for the first time since Nyaruko's failed attack.

He slowly raised one arm, held a hand over his own heart... and smiled.

And then, he fell over backwards— crushing the school building with his body.

"Oops," said Nyaruko.

"Don't worry about that," Kafuka said. "It'll be rebuilt and good as new in the next episode."

"We're not much for proper continuity," Chiri agreed.

"Look!" Nami cried. "He's glowing— and he's shrinking!"

"And the miasma of despair is dissolving!" Matoi added.

"It looks like things are returning to NORMAL," Chiri said.

"Don't look at ME and say that," Nami said testily.

—

Nozomu slowly awoke... and found himself naked and bound spread-eagle on a large flat stone in a wooded area under a clear star-filled night sky.

He turned his head to one side and found Nyaruko standing next to the stone. "Feeling better now?" she asked sweetly. "Or at least, more human?"

"Yes," Nozomu said, "except for the part where you kidnapped me, stripped me naked, and tied me to a rock in the wooded area behind the school."

"Oh no," Nyaruko said. "I didn't kidnap you, strip you naked, and tie you to a rock in the wooded area behind the school."

"Uh?..." Nozomu nodded at his bound limbs.

"I kidnapped you, stripped you naked, and tied you to a rock in a wooded area on another planet on the far side of the galaxy," Nyaruko explained.

"Ah," said Nozomu. "Was there any particular reason for your having done that? If you must put me to death, the wooded area behind the school on Earth would have been sufficient."

"Oh no," Nyaruko said again. "I didn't bring you here to put you to death. I brought you here for a purification ceremony. This planet follows a galactic ley-line. It's just perfect for post-dark-god-transformation purification ceremonies."

"Do you do this sort of thing often?" Nozomu asked.

"All the time." Nyaruko held up a badge. "I'm with the Space Defense Agency. And you'd be surprised how often people are accidentally transformed into alien dark gods. The only reason it hasn't happened to ME is that I'm ALREADY an alien agent of cosmic chaos."

"I see." Nozomu relaxed as much as he could in his bonds. "That would also explain why you stripped me naked and tied me to a rock."

"Oh no," Nyaruko said yet again. "That has nothing to do with the purification ceremony. All I have to do to purify you is lay hands on you and say a few words, and Bob's your uncle."

Nozomu sighed. "I appreciate your patience in correcting my false assumptions... but in that case, might I make one more inquiry?"

"Certainly," Nyaruko said kindly. "I don't know about you, but I don't have any other engagements."

"Why DID you strip me naked and tie me to a rock?"

"Two reasons, actually." Nyaruko held up a riding crop and a burning candle dripping wax. "The first is, I'm an irredeemable pervert."

Nozomu gulped. "And the second?..."

Nyaruko licked her lips suggestively. "A certain someone literally stepped all over me recently, and I simply must insist on returning the favor— but in a happy fun kind of way, of course." She raised one flexible leg and pointed at her foot. "I put on extra-pointy high-heeled shoes just for the occasion."

"You do know I literally wasn't myself when I did that, right?" Nozomu asked.

"Oh yes, I KNOW," Nyaruko said with a crazed smile. "But ASK ME IF I CARE."

Nozomu sighed and resigned himself to his kinky fate. "No, no. As previously stated, that was my last question. You can perv on me and purify me now."

—

The next morning, Nozomu was chatting with Chie in her inexplicably undamaged counselor's office. "...and then she returned me to Earth. I'm grateful to her for purifying and restoring me after I was a dark god, but I do wish she could have provided a change of clothes after she was done with me. It was embarrassing to walk home naked. And I still have candle-wax stains on my—"

"Yes, well, it's all over now," Chie said as she stifled a nosebleed. "So, what was it like to be a dark god, if only for a short time?"

"It was awful," Nozomu said. "I was in despair the whole time."

"You're ALWAYS in despair ALL the time," Chie noted.

"Not as a dark god," Nozomu said. "I instinctively knew things no human could possibly comprehend. I could see the higher dimensions of the space-time continuum. The secrets of the Universe were laid bare before me. And..."

"And?" Chie asked without really wanting to know.

"And I was OVERWHELMED with DESPAIR!!" Nozomu suddenly shouted. "ALL THE DESPAIR OF THE ENTIRE TEN-DIMENSIONAL UNIVERSE FELL UPON ME— and I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE IT because NO HUMAN could POSSIBLY COMPREHEND IT!!""

"Oh dear," Chie said mildly.

"I'M IN DESPAIR!!" Nozomu wailed predictably. "MY FAILURE TO COMPREHEND MY EARLIER COSMIC DESPAIR HAS LEFT ME IN SOMEWHAT LESS PROFOUND DESPAIR!!"

Nozomu slumped forwards in his chair, held his poor human head in his hands, and wept a few heartfelt tears.

Thinking that Nozomu's DESPAIR was serious this time, Chie hesitantly held out a hand to rest it on Nozomu's shoulder—

Nozomu suddenly stood up and smiled. "But as you said, it's all over now, and I had better start my home-room class. Thanks again for your time."

Chie watched Nozomu leave, and then stared at the door after Nozomu closed it behind him.

And then, she stood up and left her office to look for Kiri. _I need a hug,_ Chie thought.

—

Nozomu walked into his classroom and up to his lectern. "Good morning," he said. "Kafuka, I trust you haven't brought any eldritch artifacts to school with you today?"

"Actually..." Kafuka held up a large parchment scroll, pulled it open, and began to concentrate on its handwritten hieroglyphs. "But I'm pretty sure this isn't pre-calc. These little pictures are so CUTE!"

"I miss the days when students merely smuggled pornographic magazines into school," Nozomu said, just before something awful happened to him again.


End file.
